Issue Seventy-Six

Greetings, and welcome to The /x/ Files, the weekly news digest for 4chan’s Paranormal board. Every Sunday, we take a quick snapshot of the mysterious world around us and bring it, in an easily readable magazine format, to the board. I am The Editor, the anonymous creator of this idea and collector of the news that will be following below. In the interests of legitimacy, I will be using a secure tripcode to post the thread; once the posts are completed, I will take the tripcode off and return to my anonymity.
This week:
Table of Contents:

1: Paranormal News of the Week
2: Editor’s Note

Paranormal News of the Week
Egyptian Mummy DNA Study Results Revealed

Modern Egyptians have more DNA from Africa than mummies entombed in their country. Scientists have revealed the results of a recent study in to the DNA of 151 ancient Egyptian mummies; the remains, which were unearthed at a burial site along the west bank of the Nile River, date from around 1400 B.C. to 400 A.D. Acquiring genetic information from such ancient mummies however has proven so notoriously difficult over the years that some scientists had believed it to be impossible.

“The hot Egyptian climate, the high humidity levels in many tombs and some of the chemicals used in mummification techniques contribute to DNA degradation and are thought to make the long-term survival of DNA in Egyptian mummies unlikely,” said study senior author Johannes Krause. Despite this though, the groundbreaking new study, which has proven once and for all that it really is possible to extract DNA from ancient mummies, has succeeded in opening up the door to a wealth of historical genetic data that can tell us much about the ancestry of the ancient Egyptians.

In particular, the team set out to “test if the conquest of Alexander the Great and other foreign powers had left a genetic imprint on the ancient Egyptian population.”

As it turned out, there was very little evidence to suggest that this was the case.

“The genetics of the Abusir el-Meleq community did not undergo any major shifts during the 1,300-year timespan we studied, suggesting that the population remained genetically relatively unaffected by foreign conquest and rule,” said group leader Wolfgang Haak from the Max Planck Institute.

Intriguingly, the ancient Egyptians were actually more closely related to Europeans than Africans.

“We find that ancient Egyptians are most closely related to Neolithic and Bronze Age samples in the Levant, as well as to Neolithic Anatolian and European populations,” the researchers wrote. “When comparing this pattern with modern Egyptians, we find that the ancient Egyptians are more closely related to all modern and ancient European populations that we tested, likely due to the additional African component in the modern population.”

Full Story:
Man Caught Driving DeLorean at 88 MPH

California resident Spencer White of Saugus finally decided to take the plunge and purchase the iconic 80s sports car after pining for one for more than ten years.

Sadly though, while driving his mother around on Friday night, the draw of the vehicle got the better of him and he ended up putting his foot down in an attempt to reach 88mph – the exact speed that would activate the car’s time circuits in the Back to the Future movies. All the stunt managed to do however was attract the attention of a nearby highway patrolman.

“I was at 88 for about two seconds, and, immediately I saw a police officer behind me,” said White.

The fact that he had been busted for going 88mph in a DeLorean wasn’t lost on the officer who seemed to find the situation quite amusing, however it wasn’t enough to get him out of a ticket.

“Maybe if I had the flux capacitor he would have let me off,” said White.

Full Story:
Man Frees Tangled Squirrel King

Andrew Day had been visiting family in Bangor, Maine, when he encountered four squirrels with their tails tied together. The peculiar predicament, which has been dubbed ‘squirrel king’ after a similar phenomenon that sometimes causes rats to end up tied together by their tails, was discovered on Sunday, May 28th.

Eager to help the animals, Day tried calling up Animal Control, only to not get through; upon phoning the local game warden, he was informed that nobody would be able to attend the scene for at least an hour.

Taking matters in to his own hands, he placed a cardboard box over the top of the squirrels and then slowly worked their tails free until all four of them had been released.

“It was like a giant dreadlock,” Day told the Bangor Daily News. “Intertwined with it was straw and twigs and there was some plastic.”

Full Story:


Editor’s Note:

Until Next Time


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